4 March 2009
the laughter and the tears

Filed under then it happens

I got a traffic ticket yesterday for rolling through a four way stop, right about a block away from my house. The same four way stop that I stop at once or twice a day.  It still makes me really mad. I didn’t argue with the cop, I figure, what is the point? If I had argued I probably would have started crying anyway- and that would have been embarassing  for all of us. It was actually two cops- one came to my door, the other came to the passenger door- I am assuming to watch as I opened the glove compartment to see if I had a gun in there? Or a big bag of weed? Nope, just a lint roller, and my crazy collection of used parking stubs from the streets of Toronto. I am saving those for what I am not sure, mostly just the fun of adding them all up one day. Actually, I just had an idea- after adding them all up, I am going to cut them into triangles and make paper beads out of them, which I will then make into a beautiful “statement necklace”. The statement being that I spend a crap load of money on parking in this city? Hopefully something less banal in the end, but  anyway, if only I had the time!

So since I am really angry, and I can’t go back in time- this is the speach I have prepared if it ever happens again-

ech hem.

(incredulously)

“You’re pulling me over? The pregnant lady in the station wagon? I am the least of your worries, honey.”

(I never ever call anyone honey! I actually think it’s kind of condescending in a way, which could be the point here.)

“I live right around the corner and believe me, I drive with more than an ounce of caution in this neighborhood. I never go over 30 or 40 km, because I care about all the little kids  and the little cats that are roaming around. I’ve got jerks in SUV’s and souped up Honda Civics riding my ass like bullies trying to get me to speed it up all the time- and do I? No.  Why aren’t you going after those guys? What am I supposed to learn from this? To stop for one more second at a stop sign? Or to respect you and the law more? Because it’s having the complete opposite affect on me. It’s making me think about everthing you could be doing with your time, rather than wasting it on me. Why aren’t you going after the people that throw all their garbage on my lawn and all over the street? That’s a law I would like to see enforced by you. That will actually make a difference with the greater good of society.  Those people showing an obvious disprespect for their fellow citizens and surroundings, that’s probably a good indicator of real criminal activity, wouldn’t you say? A cleaner city is a safer city, no?”

I could continue, but it’s pointless to argue with them.  It’s reminded me of another instance of “where were they then”?

The other day I was in my local No Frills, where I get my groceries. It’s always an adventure, with a real cross section of Toronto life. All the stockboys are members of the same local metal band. One weird metal dude always says Hi to me and makes small talk. Dom calls him my buddy.  My buddy ignores me when Dom and I are shopping together, and he has been noticeably distant since I’ve been visibly pregnant. Sigh. I have a secret affection for my No Frills- it makes going into Loblaws a shock of pretension. So there I was getting my groceries- really, there we all were, getting our groceries, minding our business. I was walking by the checkouts, it was pretty busy and there were quite a few people in line. This man is standing at the back by the exits, where you bag your groceries- basically the space that everyone in line is staring into. And he yells- REALLY loud, and in a slow announcement kind of way-

“All you Canadians are going to die tonight.   .  . I’m bringing out the bazooka on ya.”

It was so fucked up! Some little kid started laughing. Everyone else was in total shock. It was pretty eery. I was totally creeped out. My buddy was near by, giving the crazy dude the stare down, ready to protect us all if necessary. And that was it, I kept on with my business, and got my groceries and left, never really seeing what happened to Crazypants. I guess the shock wore off, and I started laughing as I got into my car. I called Dom right away, and couldn’t even repeat what had just happened. I was laughing so hard I was crying my eyes out.  Good thing the police didn’t see me then- driving, laughing so hard I was crying, talking on a cell phone. I know, not the safest. I got off the phone and told Dom when I got home, and of course he loved it!! That has been our laugh of the week.  .  . “all you Canadians are gonna die tonight .   .  .” so crazy!!

So what is the punishment for yelling death threats to a store full of people, or actually, an entire nation of people?  More than not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign I should hope. Where were they then?

Just for kicks- you should all try this in your loudest, booming-est voice.  Say, “All you Canadians are gonna die tonight! I’m bringing out the bazooka on ya.” It’s kind of fun.

2009-03-04  ::  adrienne